"Saved By My Ass"

I was sitting at the bar minding my own business when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turn around, and see a humanoid rhino in a fancy three-piece suit. He motioned that I needed to follow him, or else. Without arguing, I got off my stool, and down my shot of whiskey. I tossed enough money on the bar to cover my tab, and followed him.

He led me down the stairs to a heavy steel door. He knocked once, and a small passage to the right of the door opens. I saw a hairy face peek out, and grunt. The passage closed, and the steel door creaked open. The rhino grabbed me by the collar, and tossed me inside. He walked in, and slammed the door shut, making the room pitch black.

As I stood up in the dark, I'm punched in the jaw hard. I flew right into the wall, and crumpled to the floor like a house of cards. I felt blood trickling out of my lip as I'm picked up, and tossed again. I slammed into something wooden as it broke beneath me, and I hit the floor hard, knocking the wind out of me.

As I was gasping for air, a light over my head came on. Standing over me was a very tall, angry gorilla wearing an orange jumpsuit. He decked me in the jaw once again, and kicked me in the ribs. I spitted out a tooth and a lot of blood as he kicked me again. I moaned as I heard something crack inside me with the third kick.

"Enough!" someone shouted out.

The gorilla tosses me onto a couch, and disappears into the darken room. I try to look around, but all I saw was the thin trail of cigarette smoke at the very edge of the illumination provided by the single bulb. The rhino snorts as the voice said, "Be glad I stopped him. He wants to rip you apart inch by inch." The voice takes a drag of a cigarette. In the light of the cherry, I saw a pair of sunglasses, and the faint glimmer of a diamond. "However, Brutus the rhino here has no restraints."

Brutus cracked his knuckles as he stomped over to me. He grabbed me by my shirt, and snorted right in my face. I smirked as I spat some blood right on his snout.

He slammed me into the floor hard, causing another tooth to break free. He picked me up, and punches me right in the left eye hard. He slammed my face into the wall, causing me to lose sight on my left side. He turned me around, and decked me in the stomach a few times. He slammed his head against mine, and was about to jam his horn into my chest when I saw saved.

"That's enough, Brutus!" shouted the voice. "We do need him alive!"

"Boss, he ratted us out! He should die!" retorted Brutus with his hand wrapped around my throat.

"He is the only one who knows where the goods are," replied the boss. "So, we do need him alive."

I finally screamed out, "I'll tell you! I'll tell you!"

"Where are they?" asked Brutus.

"They are in my ass," I replied while spitting up blood.

"Where's your ass?"

"At the bar."

Brutus yanked me off the floor, and carried me back upstairs. Sitting at the bar was a donkey with a briefcase down by his feet.

"Is that your ass?" whispered Brutus.

"Yes. All you have to do is tell him you're Harry Johnson, and he'll give up the stuff," I explained.

Brutus walked over to the donkey, and whispered to the donkey. The donkey reached down, and pulled up the case. He handed it to Brutus, and walked out. Brutus set the case on the bar, and opened it. He walked back over to me, and smiled.

"Your ass saved you this time," he stated. "You're free to go."

"What's in the case?" I asked out of curiosity. Whatever it was, it almost got me killed.

He opened the case, and I shook my head at the contents. Inside was a large bottle of Beano.

"What the hell? That's it?" I shouted.

"The boss was tired of hearing assholes every night after dinner," replied Brutus as he disappeared behind the steel door.

I crawled out of the bar, and made it over to the ER room. As I waited for the doctor, I began to shake my head. I got almost killed over a donkey. I swore that day I would never trust another jackass for they always seem to get this rat into trouble.